. This post may actually tick some people off. It may be totally relateable to others. I am absolutely perplexed why people think it’s their business to ask about my kid when we are out in public…..
Maybe its time to start turning the conversation around and asking them about personal things….
Let me set this up. Whenever we go out in public with Noelle and Frank (Frank the tank is the name of her oxygen tank)…people inevitably stare. They point. They whisper. Any sometimes, they come up to us. Sometimes this is frightening, but mostly it is just annoying.
We were in Target the other day shopping. Practically everyone shops at Target at one time or another and we happen to LOVE Target. I was loading Noelle and Frank into the back of the shopping cart when this woman came up behind me and put her arms on my shoulder and I quickly turned around (rule #1….don’t touch me if you don’t know me!). She layed her hand on my head (I can’t make this stuff up) and started to pray for Noelle and I. I was kind of shocked and to be honest, pretty mad that this lady was touching my head that I moved away from her. I’m all about being prayed for….but God only knows if this woman washed her hands last after using the restroom! She then asked me every question in the book about Noelle. “Why does she wear that oxygen? How long has she worn it? How long will she have to wear it?” Etc….this went on for about 5 minutes before I told the lady I had to go shopping!
I try to be as nice as possible when people ask these questions, because honestly it happens a lot. Quite frankly, we like the prayers (as long as they aren’t touching us unwanted) ….but the 20 questions game has got to go. As we walked away, the lady said loudly to her friend, “Oh, I feel so sorry for that child!” This infuriated me. I turned around and glared at that lady. Then, my mother’s voice went off in my head, “If you can’t say something nice….don’t say anything at all.” The last thing my kid needs is pity or anyone feeling sorry for her. To Noelle, this is her life. She knows no different. Does she realize she’s different? …Sure! Does she care? …Heck NO!
Another time, in Walmart (the first and last time I took her there) another older woman came up as I was turning to grab an onion. As I turned around, I saw this lady kissing Noelle on the forehead (Rule #2….dont touch my kids if you dont know them. Kissing them is grounds for me punching you!!)! I started to yell at this lady to get off my kid! I took a deep breath and explained that her immune system is compromised because of her lung disease. I told her we dont really appreciate strangers touching her as I dont think any parent would appreciate that even with a normal kid. Well, that started the line of questions… (Shoot me!)
One more example and then I’ll be done ranting. Another time while in a store (I believe it was Target…yet again!), this woman came up to us asking tons of questions about Noelle. Andon was with me as well and the woman didn’t as much as look at him. Nope, she downright ignored him. She talked directly to Noelle about how cute she was and how beautiful her smile was. Didn’t say a word to Andon. (Rule #3- If that special needs kid has a brother or a sister, pay attention to them too! They inevitably have had to deal with a tough transition as well. They deserve a lot more attention than they get!).
So, this leads to my point. Not everyone looks the same. If you saw an disfigured person at a store…would you go up to them to ask them what happened? NO! Most people would smile and nod in passing. I saw a man with a prosthetic leg in a store one time. Did I go up to him and probe him to find out if it was a war wound or a farming accident….NO! There are tons of elderly people with oxygen and no one standing around trying to figure out whats wrong with them…
The point is….we came to a store to shop! Or, we came to a restaurant to eat! Not really to meet new friends or have people feel sorry or pity us. So, whats the best thing to do? If you see a person in a store with a child with oxygen, in a wheelchair or a child that is just different (for example, many of the kids on the spectrum look completely normal. You can’t see their disability. Yet, when they freak out in a store due to over-stimulation or something setting them off….people judge them for bad parenting)….the best thing to do is just let them shop. If you feel so inclined, say a (silent) prayer for that family. If you really feel the need to say something, applaud the mom or dad and just tell them they’re doing a great job. If they’ve ever heard that they are doing a good job before, most likely….they don’t believe it. Special needs parents spend enough time going over medical history at the bazillion (yes, bazillion is a number…ask our bazillion doctors!) doctors appointments we go to each year. The last thing we want to do is explain it to a stranger. Raising a special needs child is not easy. It has its difficulties…but certainly has its blessings.
Time to get off my soapbox!
xoxo,
Stacie 🙂